Variant Coverage By Ryan Walsh For Comic Carnival
Did you have a good Independence Day? If you can hear things and see clearly, it could mean you failed to watch enough explosions, but we won’t hold that against you. If anything, we can get you caught up on huge, colorful spectacles!
•Rat Queens 4 (Wiebe/ Gieni): “Oh by the gnarrly nuggets of Nyradoth, my storage chest has come to life and is trying to eat me! Could those mystical mushrooms I put in there have something to do with it? It can’t be, I ate three of them and am just fine, my best friend that is now a unicorn made of cotton candy told me so!”
•Adventure Time 66 (Dawson/ McGinty): There’s running away, there’s strategically retreating, and then there’s throwing shade at your opponent by waving your butt in the air while your sword-wielding best friend blows ‘em a raspberry. That is some expert-level taunting going on here.
•Diablo House 1 (Adams/ Santiperez): I cannot believe it. This cannot be happening. Obviously I’m becoming delusional, or else this is a crossover between Animal House and Hellraiser. This could be the gruesome tale of a fraternity full of young and unleashed tormented souls determined to throw the wildest party in all of Hell’s history right under the nose of that old and crotchety Dean Pinhead. If this is actually what’s going on, then it can only mean that Santa got my letter.
•Deathstroke 21 (Priest/ Neves): So what I’m seeing here is that while Deathstroke may have no problem recruiting and boarding five teenage superheroes, he can’t afford to get the uniforms with any color on them. Maybe he blew his budget on transportation to bring them in, or all the money goes into restocking the fridge every hour because between constant training and late-stage puberty, the average teen metahuman would consume roughly 20K calories per day. Only reason the kid in the upper left got yellow accents is he stayed up all night delicately sewing them in himself. I don’t know why it’s so important to him, I can only imagine that’s the focus of this 18-issue arc.
•Ghost Wolf 1 (Torres/ Mb): Imagine yourself in the heat of a pitched battle, countless enemies and friends lying on the ground dead. Head ringing from blows, muscles crying out with exhaustion, somehow you stand with a grip on your weapon and an enemy to face. Problem is your vision is clouded, and cannot tell what poses the greater danger. The choices are an ethereal, hairy behemoth that resembles your dog from childhood, and a bloodied warrior armed with a giant axe. This is where generations of misogyny and patriarchy really hurt: if you aim for and put all of your fighting spirit into a perfect strike on Canine Casper because obviously the woman can’t pose a threat, you deserve what happens.
•Gumby 1 (Fawkes & Baker/ Yates, Baker, Whitman): Gummy people grabbing horses by tails while their neighbors look on in approval, cliffs made from letter blocks, cars with sardonic looks ferrying bears around, indifferent policemen staring off into the distance… kids books contain some really heady stuff these days.
•Mindbender 1 (REPRINT) (Pruett/ De Luca): Minds must be made of metal, in that they need to be bathed in fire to make them easier to bend. I’m curious to know what impurities are making the fire purple, and why that background guy likes them so much. I don’t know if he’s an authority on forging, though, since long hair on a blacksmith just looks like asking for trouble.
•Snotgirl 6 (O’Malley & Hung): One of these gals is not dressed for the venue. One of these ladies misread the e-vite. One of these women will have to change, now it’s time to play a game: Who walks the Walk of Shame??
•Star Wars 33 (Aaron/ Larroca): “Well, Luke, in the past hour you’ve crashed us into an uncharted planet, fried our communicators with the Force, and cut yourself with your lightsaber. What possible positive spin could you put on this?”
“Well, Leia, at least there’s no sand around here.”
“That’s just… I mean… that’s a crappy reason and it definitely makes me feel better and I don’t know why. Why do I hate sand?”
•Unholy Grail 1 (Bunn/ Colak): I’m thinking if you showed a genuine knight of the Round Table just about any facet of modern life, he’d look about as pants-crapping terrified as he does here. “Pardon me, Sir Knight, have you seen this pouch-sized device that displays moving pictures and can access the whole of compiled knowledge?”
“You look like you may be hungry. I’ll use this same device to have a feast brought to us within the hour.”
“By chance, have you seen one of the airplanes that can carry hundreds of people thousands of miles in hours by flying higher than the clouds themselves?”
“Would you like some water that doesn’t cause dysentery?”
•Marvel Wood Warriors Iron Man: Your Iron Man is made of wood. Your IRON MAN is made of WOOD. Don’t call him Tony Spruce or Iron Maple or anything like that. He’s still Iron Man and it’s ridiculous to even mention piddly details like there’s not a atom of iron on him or he’s completely MADE OF WOOD!
•Sacred Creatures 1 (Raimondi & Janson/ Raimondi): “I’m interested in what you think about the family portrait, boy.”
“It haunts everything I thought I knew about myself. You told me we were posing for a painting, and I never saw half of these people. I don’t know who the lady with arms like needles is. I can’t remember seeing a blind black guy. I do remember you saying you’d rather attend an anti-freeze tasting that be in the same room as a homeless person. Are these lies, or the truths I simply can’t see?”
“This is why I pay people to talk to you, boy.”
Cover commentaries only this week, as much thanks to shipping schedules as to me not sleeping because horrible people shoot fireworks early and often. Don’t be horrible. Don’t shoot fireworks before July 4th. And don’t shoot them after, either – let’s keep the date meaningful.
See you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues