Variant Coverage By Ryan Walsh For Comic Carnival
No reviews this week, readers. I could deliver a list of perfectly acceptable reasons, or dump out some load involving a meth-addicted bear and the most harrowing 50 hours of my life, but how about we stick with what works: putting covers in their place!
•Star Wars Doctor Aphra 17 (Gillen & Spurrier/ Laiso): “What happened to walking away from the explosion casually and cool-like?”
“I don’t know, what happened to locking the platoon of armed stormtroopers on the other side of the bulkhead?!?”
•Taarna 1 (De Campi/ Escorzi): A lightning strike feels like 10 million volts to the weak, but to the strong and righteous it feels like $250 saved on hair highlights!
•Cable & X-Force TP (Loeb/ Various): I hope you brought scuba gear, because this cover’s going to drown you in 90’s! The countless pouches will suck you in as the guns mounted onto guns resting atop the shoulder-pads blast the air right out of you, leaving you vulnerable to snap your spine against the impossibly rigid and tiny ab wall. This peek into the ultra-extreme future brought to you by Apocalypse and Folger’s-enhanced Red Bull.
•Mata Hari 1 (Beeby/ Kristantina): She’s either just that bad at hiding murder implements or just that good at seduction. “Is that a sharpened dagger behind you?” “You want to know what else is back here?”
•Infinity Countdown Prime 1 (Duggan/ Deodato): There’s plenty of natural tension to be found in the conflict between multiple aspects of the cosmos, but this particular cover gives me hope that one day we’ll get the Infinity Gem battle we truly need: a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! (CC Note: You’re one stone short.) No, Rock was the first thing I said! (CC Note: No, I mean.. Wait.. ughgh)
•Shiver Bureau 1 (Walt Ostlie): Iceman’s hipster phase looks like it’s getting him way too deep into hemp culture.
•Bloodborne 1 of 4 (Kot/ Kowalski): “How many cesareans do I need to perform before I deliver a baby?!?” Where should I begin? The broken guillotine he’s using for a scalpel, his mat made from the feathers of way too many pigeons, or his violent insistence on a gender-neutral customer base? On the other hand, he clearly doesn’t worry about what your insurance situation is like…
•Multiple Warheads Ghost Throne One-Shot (Brandon Graham): It should be common sense, but it can’t be repeated enough: NO SMOKING NEAR THE WARHEADS!
•Brave and the Bold – Batman & Wonder Woman 1 (Liam Sharp): I’ve heard of a wind so harp that it’s cut, but are they caught up in one that’s swol? Do they smell fresh protein shakes? Or has their danger sense gone off in response to a gym member failing to wipe down a machine after they finished using it? What villainy lurks over that hill??
•Kong on the Planet of the Apes 4 (Ferrier/ Magno): Sure, the mighty, powerful, perhaps immortal Kong finds himself taken from everything he knew. And yeah, where once he was worshipped and sacrificed to, Kong’s now a prisoner forced to entertain the puny masses with their bright flashes and cheap iron. But to the Apes’ credit, they know their food.
•Death Bed 1 (Williamson/ Rossmo): You think the stuff under your normal bed is dirty? This guy’s got mer-people and military ordinance under his!
•Punks Not Dead 1 (Barnett/ Simmonds): The title may claim that the punks are not dead, but from the look on this guy’s face there’s at least one festering corpse around here. It’s so bad it cuts lines through sunglasses, how?! Why?!?
•Infected by Art HC (Various): I know they say to dance like no one’s watching you, and the sun goddess is cutting a mean rug on the corona there, but I can’t keep this creeping feeling out of my head. There are at least five radio telescopes pointed at the sun at all times. Any flare-up gets documented, run through hundreds of calculations, and archived. Billion-dollar programs rely on the consistency of its gravitational pull, and just the other day one of the richest men in the world sent his car and a driver up there to basically circle her orbit FOREVER. I hope the sun can’t see past her own brilliance, otherwise she’d put a restraining order against humanity and I wouldn’t blame her even as I froze to death.
•Hit-Girl 1 (Millar/ Ortiz): Hey, you don’t even know me! (CC Note: Are you saying you don’t deserve being flipped off?) That’s beside the point!
•Compulsive Comics SC (Eric Haven): “It’s alright, Mr. Bullet, I’ll shoot you over the open plain so you’ll never hurt anyone!”
“No, Mr. Bullet, don’t listen to Polly Pilot! The world is a dangerous place go venture into alone. I’ll grab you and hold you to my chest to protect you!”
“Not so fast, Blue Badger Man! You can’t promise that to Mr. Bullet because you already promised that to Mr. Dagger… MY SISTER!”
(CC Note: Is it even possible to stop yourself from wrecking everything you see?)
See you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues