Variant Coverage – October 31, 2018

Variant Coverage By Ryan Walsh For Comic Carnival

How spooky is Halloween for you? Are you scared stiff and full of sugar? If so, comics this week will calm you down. If you’re lucid and well-nourished, comics this week will throw that right into a haunted forest to be torn apart by shadows, wolves, and ancient outhouses.

Deathstroke Yogi Bear Special 1 (Tieri & DeMatteis/ Texeira & Mandrake): “Bear, I know you can talk, but that doesn’t mean you understand the situation. I’m here to take out a poaching ring, which means I’m going to kill a lot of people. If you get in my way, you’ll be one of them, but if you’re useful, I might keep you alive. You get the deal?”
“They got my friend Boo-Boo. He helped me get this pic-a-nic basket. It was full of sandwiches when he got stolen. And I’m a stress eater. You get the deal?”
“…No.”
“I ate all the sandwiches. Now this basket’s full of ammo and poacher meat. You give me more meat, I’ll give you more ammo.”
“That’s a good deal.”


Hex Wives 1 (Blacker/ Andolfo): When most people say “I got an app for that!”, they mean their smartphone has access to an online catalog of apps from which they downloaded one for certain specific circumstances. They don’t mean they’ve coded a program into their flesh to channel eldritch forces to do the exact same thing but without the monthly usage fees.


Sex Death Revolution 1 (Visaggio/ Farrow): This fall, check out the wacky series about three complete opposites that can’t escape! From the son of the janitor of Three’s Company, it’s “Two and a Half Souls”!

Mort Cinder HC (Oesterheld/ Breccia): “At last, you’re right where I want you.”
“That’s our line, Pops. You missed your payment, and there’s a lot of interest.”
“You got to make sure a message goes out, I get it. However you like it fine, just do it. Don’t leave me for dead like a bunch of punks too squeamish to finish the job.”
“…We don’t get requests like that often. What’s your story, Pops?”
“You’re hardly the first men in coats looking for what I owe. Russians, yakuza, IRS, congrats on being the ones to catch me.”
“Ha! Alright, we’ll save you from the mobs. Nothing we can do ‘bout the IRS – too many on the other side owe them favors.”


Transdimensional 1: So somewhere between two-dimensional, three-dimensional, spirit dimensional, environmental, and submersible, there’s a transdimensional state of being? I either don’t get high on sugar enough, or too much – there’s no inbetween there.


Avengers 8 (2nd Print) (Aaron/ Marquez): Some soldiers charge in to protect people, others to defeat an opposing army, still others to defy a natural disaster. Namor charges into a hail of bullets because it’s the only way his morning run stimulates him. The man’s immune to all forms of caffeine, but he’s addicted to that shine old Ms. Fernelli gets in her eyes when he gives her a fully loaded mag for her tommy gun. She’s got a wicked crook in his hip, but her eyes and gun skills are sharper than any sewing needle.


Heroes in Crisis 2 (King/ Mann): “Hero Crisis Line, how may we help you?”
“Harley Quinn’s choking me with Wonder Woman’s lasso!”
“I’m sorry to hear that, let me start a report. I will need to verify your identity: who am I talking to?”
“I. Am. Batman!”
“And the security question: Which Robin is your favorite?”
“My security question was what was my mother’s name!!”
“It was changed two days ago, Mr. Batman. Do you know the response?”
“Who would’ve cha- dammit, Damian!”
“Correct, now we can get started.”


Ice Cream Man 8 (Prince/ Morazzo & O’Halloran): Look, everyone gets depressed, and everyone has their own coping mechanisms. For the horrific child-murderer Pennywise, that mechanism involves eating his way into a frozen treat freezer and, if he doesn’t freeze to death by the time he’s done, go back to the sewers, sharpen his teeth, and get back to work.


Iron Giant 1/12 Scale Die Cast Statue: Have your tears dried from Vin Diesel’s tragic and emotionally torturous death in Avengers: Infinity War? Well stock up on electrolytes and get your blanket nest ready, because there’s a statue commemorating the last odd yet adorable animated character Vin Diesel sung to eternal rest. Ooh, and a reminder: anything animated is saccharin distraction that couldn’t possibly entertain an adult.


Multiple Man 5 (Rosenburg/ MacDonald): Everyone wants to ride Spider-Man’s coattails, even though he doesn’t wear them. We get it. But if you just have to emulate them, emulate the colorful costume or the diffusing banter or the dogged determination to get his work in as soon as possible. Don’t go back to that one time he didn’t “feel so good.”


Terrifics Annual 1 (Various): Eating disorders are nothing to ignore, and we know the subject can be uncomfortable to discuss, but the longer it’s put off, the more likely serious health hazards can appear, such as mood swings, violent outbursts, and attempted consumption of your friends and/ or clones. An awkward hour now could mean a lifetime, or the fate of the cosmos, or whatever the crisis of the week is.


Treat yourself well, and see you next week!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

 

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