Variant Coverage – May 15, 2019

No time for reviews this week BUT I’ve thrown in some extra cover commentary just because I know you love it.

Catalyst Prime Incidentals 18 (Easton & Govea/ Jaro): You’ve heard of Shadow Boxing, but the new thing in intensive body training right now is Soul Boxing. Hang out in morgues or hospital ICUs, and as the dead release their core energy-based selves back into the universe, pull them back into the here-and-now lay a smackdown on a human soul! This is NOT the kind of training you can do at home – it’s important to only practice this under the supervision of your personal trainer and two board-certified exorcists.

Symbiote Spider-Man 1 2nd Print (David/ Land): “I want YOU to be in my Rogue’s Gallery.”

Adventure Time Marcy & Simon 5 (Olson/ Fabert): In space, no one can hear you scream, but everyone can hear this musical duo rock so hard they create a new asteroid belt this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY at Sol 3.4! We’ll sell you the whole EVA suit, but you’ll only need the edge!

Justice League 24 (Snyder/ Jimenez): You’d think being the world’s greatest detective, tinkerer, goth, and social service nightmare would be enough to fill Batman’s day, but you’d be wrong. In those rare moments of downtime, he likes to make little keychains of all his friends. His friends thought he was a bit creepy BEFORE they found out about this.

Nightwing 60 (Jurgens/ Mooneyham): YUS! “Ride the Lightning”’s such a great album, and this cover band look like they’re super into it – I’m not even joking, Open Mic Night at the Monarch straight up changes people’s lives!

Teen Titans 30 (Glass/ Chang): “How could you?”
“I’m glad you asked! I just finished converting the plans leading up to this into a PowerPoint presentation, and frankly I impressed myself with the results. I’ll be presenting a TED talk next week and have been wondering how I could ask you to help me practice.”
“Okay, this? This is evil. You’re being really evil right now.”

Farmhand 8 (Guillory/ Guillory & Wells): You think your seasonal allergies are bad? This guy’s face bursts into a blooming mess because he’s allergic to his own facial hair.

Aquaman 48 (DeConnick/ Bogdanovic): Superheroes have secret identities, sometimes to hide key civilian lives, others to draw information and news from, and still others to keep them grounded and in touch with the people they save. Aquaman falls into the third category: he’s the only licensed marine dentist in the northern hemisphere! And good luck trying to anyone convincing the King of the Seas that they really do floss every day, he knows they don’t.

Immortal Hulk 17 (Ewing/ Bennett): Bruce Banner trapped in a xenomorph hive?!? I’d call this the most pandering and nonsensical mash-up concept ever, but then again the Alien vs. Predator movies exist, so whatever. With Hulk’s healing factor in action, we could get a neat Hulk/ Xeno-Hulk fight where it looks like Banner’s about to get into a power loader, but instead he Hulks out and wraps the thing around his hands like underground Muay Thai boxing matches to counter his opponent throwing acid around.

War of the Realms Giant Man 1 (Williams/ Castiello): “Scoot in, Draugnar the Hope-Eater, thou art not in frame!”
“Watch thine own visage, Frogath, for that last bus full of children thou ate hath provided thee with excess dad bod.”
“Enough prattle! Now, doth mine helmet look good? I promised my sireling I’d show proof of its prominence on the battlefield.”
“What say you, meat insects? Also, can you friend me on Skullbook and send me copies later?”

Last Stop on the Red Line 1 (Maybury/ Lotfi): “Due to an incident, all services on the Red Line will be delayed. We apologize for the inconvenience, and are hard at work getting you to your strangulations as soon as possible.”

Age of X-Man Nextgen 4 (Brisson/ To): “Perfect day for a game of mutant birdball, wouldn’t you agree, Steve?”
“Sure would, Rog! This match between the Xavier Phoenixes and the Faceless People promises to be a real fight. These two teams have been rivals a long time.”
“Just about anyone against the Phoenixes is a rival, Steve! But pay close attention to the running back Robert ‘Glob’ Herman. He’s a junior at Xavier’s, 6’5″, 270, has 200 yards for the season already, and appears to be made out of goo wrapped loosely over a skeleton.”
“Just horrifying, Rog, but we can’t get ahead of ourselves. At the end it’s the team with the most birds in the Z’Nok Chamber that wins the game!” 

Naomi 5 (Bendis & Walker/ Campbell): What, you think it’s cool when someone punches people with one moon? Whatever, we’ve got someone with 50 moons, and she’ll punch you with all of them! You’ll see Obi-Wan Kenobi after your beating, and he’s going to apologize – he really thought it wasn’t a moon, but he was 50 x WRONG!

Samurai Chef TP (Twumasi/ Jones): This sequel to Ratatouille pitches a dark turn. Remember back in the day when the food was the only thing to worry about being in the kitchen?

See you next week!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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