Variant Coverage – October 16, 2019

We all know that Halloween’s right around the corner, but what else? You, yes YOU, have something creeping towards you, some event or meeting that lives just outside your thinking brain. Maybe you’ll recognize it if it’s waved in front of you, but it leaves the mind just as fast. Closer it comes. You hardly acknowledge its existence, but it spends every second waiting. Just. For. You.

Like this week’s comics BLAUGHUAHGUGHAHHGHG!!!

Die Hard Christmas Gift Set (Horner/ Harrison): On the fifth day of Christmas, Action Hero gave to me: FIVE POUNDS OF C4!; four loaded clips, three dead bad guys, two of their guns, and an IOU for some decent shoes!

Cult Classic 1 (Rahal/ Bivens): “Eat your fhtagn fries.”
“I can’t! Mikey got ketchup all over them! I want a burger!”
“Jeremy, I warned you about this yesterday, remember. Everyone gets to order ONCE, and you ordered Cthulthu Tenders with fries. Last time I got you a Shuma Goryale with cheese, you ate two bites and threw the rest away. If you’re going to be like this, we’ll cancel the trip to R’lyeh, and that goes for everybody! Understand?”

Gogor TP (Ken Garing): All ten dentists and 8 out of 10 people in dentist costumes agree: snails are not Nature’s toothbrushes.

Marked 1 (Hine & Haberlin): Someone just told this woman about the tattoo of a bird they got on their ankle the other week, along with what kind of bird, how much it means to them, and how brave they were during the process of changing two whole square inches of their body. This woman’s heroism is on clear display by remaining calm and poised throughout the entire story, never once resorting to pointing out the obvious, reading the three volume set of what her tats mean to her versus the visitor’s pamphlet, or just slapping sense into them. She’s not worried about whether or not a court in the land would convict her (there isn’t), she just holds herself to a higher standard.

MAD Magazine 10 (Usual Gang of Idiots): Show of hands – who would dive right in if Alfred Eats Humans here offered to teach how he keeps his whites white after crawling through sewage all day?

X-Men 1 (Hickman/ Yu): “We work toward a beautiful dream – a world where humans and mutants co-exist peacefully!”
“If we were working on that, how come we got banished to the moon?”
“Well that’s… you see… come to think of it, the dreamer also thought building a paramilitary force, faking his own death before brain-jacking the planet, and enslaving an alien AI to train said military force were all great ideas. We really should’ve workshopped this!”

Midnight Vista 2 (Rahal/ Meath): Like so many others, these twins hate the stereotype, but can’t deny that it happens sometimes: they’re so much alike that they finish each other’s creepy glares.

Dead Beats Musical Horror Anthology (Various): “Pretty sure every record ever made’s passed through this shop at some point. Sign me four notes and I’ll tell you the song title, album, and artist. People try to stump me all the time, and the way they freeze when I tell them about some song they never heard of, that’s frosting on my daily cupcake! There was this one time I couldn’t get it right away, I even asked for a fifth note. Drove me crazy until a coworker overheard him bragging to his pals that he’d made it up. You’ll never guess what happened to that jackass…”

Aquaman 53 (DeConnick/ Henriques): Sharks are driven to Aquaman. Sharks are driven to blood in the water. Therefore, all blood is Aquaman. So check yourself on the knocks against the “king of the goldfish”, because there’s plenty of him in you. Wait, that came out wrong!

Absolute Carnage Avengers 1 (Williams & Thompson/ Alburquerque & Villanova): “We could’ve gone over it.”
“Wolverine, let it go, that’s an order!”
“Around was another way, it’s not like an extra ten seconds’d kill anyone.”
“Not you too, Hawkeye!”
“But NOOOOooooo, Cap says we charge THROUGH the tar factory. Bet this never happens to the Four, right Ben?”
“You kidding? We go through a chicken farm and a school playground during recess, we’ll just tie up with what Johnny pulled last month.”

Unplugged and Unpopular GN (Heagerty/ Pantoja): Subscribers, bots, spam accounts, little fuzzy demons, any and all are welcome to increase your follower count! Sounds harmless, but wait until vampires decide a follow-back’s just as good as an invitation, then we’ll start recognizing the dangers of social media.

Metal Men 1 (DiDio/ Delecki): I’m not saying Doc Magnus’s expression is sinister in this pic! All I’m saying is that if this guy was operating an Escape Room experience, I wouldn’t go in until I’d updated my last will and testament.

Crazy 1 (Various): There are plenty of stories about dastardly people baking other people into pies and the terrible consequences that follow, but I’ve never heard of someone doubling down on their fate like this. Look at Clownish Chef here, he’s got at least two or three divine punishments working on him already!

Superman Smashes the Klan 1 of 3 (Yang/ Gurihiru): The next time someone tells you “Comics aren’t a platform for social justice” or “Comics shouldn’t promote a political agenda”, and you’re fed up with reminding them of Captain America’s origin, you can also whip out the radio drama from the 1940’s of Superman vs the KKK written with help from an undercover human rights activist. It’s good for you to have multiple sources to draw from.

A Sparrow’s Roar GN (Chua & Chikiamco): After hours of suffering and strife, finally the hero stormed the kitchen and put the threat of the Ceremonial Bread Loaf to an end. There was an appropriate amount of rejoicing.

See you next week! Or will I? Dun Dun DUUNNNNNNN!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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