Sometimes you just want to get cozy with a book. Sometimes the weather makes that the easy choice. Sometimes you look at your stack of books which grew fifteen stories taller for some unknown reason, and despair a little that you can’t read them all in one sitting.
Guess what kind of books can be read fifteen in a day?
Stop! Okay, the answer was comic books, but clearly I didn’t think the question through. Comic books. Like these…
•Martian Manhunter 9 of 12 (Orlando/ Rossmo): “What the hell is going on, J’onn?”
“This isn’t MY doing, or any other Martian. We warned your people decades ago that the Deluvian Bombardment was heading this way!”
“When did you do that?”
“I guess by your calendar they would have been the mid-1980’s. We didn’t have the fluency with your language that we do now, so what few of us remained sent the warning using pictographs to guarantee you’d be prepared for the war to come!”
“…Do you mean to tell me the Martians started the War on Drugs?”
“No. Of course not. Maybe. It’s not our fault you can’t read!”
•Count Crowley – Reluctant Midnight Monster Hunter 1 of 4 (Dastmalchian/ Ketner): “Wait a minute… this isn’t a massage chair. This isn’t a massage chair AT ALL!”
•The Amazing Mary-Jane 1 (Williams/ Gomez): Before Spidey knew it, he was swinging in the race of his life. Rivals and enemies came from everywhere and nowhere, but they weren’t trying to stop him. Worse. They chased the same prize Spidey was after, and the only way to stop such a charge of superpowers was to finish the race. To determine who indeed was fastest and best qualified to open the door for this fire-blessed woman.
•Black Canary Ignite TP (Cobt/ McGee): First of all, whoever dunked those birds in crude oil should be locked up for cruelty to animals, irregardless of how perfectly it worked for this shot. Second, if your main character’s going to sit around studying the creatures from whom she’ll take a name to fight crime, could she maybe, I don’t know, NOT look like she’s plotting to catch and eat one of them cat-style? Just a thought.
•Freedom Fighters 10 of 12 (Venditti/ Barrows): “‘At last, all who oppose me shall be crushed!’ No, that’s not right. ‘Can you survive the iron fist of American justice?’ That could be worse. Umm? ‘USA stands for Unbearable Sinews of Agony!’ No! I need some writers and pollsters, there’s got to be a way to spin my belittling of this inferior foe as patriotic and measured. I don’t care where you find them, you’ve got until this cyborg bleeds out.”
•Action Comics 1016 (Bendis/ Kudranski): Don’t even pretend you thought the current DC continuity would end any other way.
•Marauders 1 (Duggan/ Lolli): So the X-Men have a ship? Neat. They brought someone that can control the weather, thus ensuring the wind will always be at their backs? Awesome. They’ve elevated the child-like headmaster of a school to captain? Odd, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. One of the crew’s a guy who carries a tank of fuel with him wherever he goes so he can start fires? Alright, who was in charge of gathering a crew for this ship, because whoever it was had bad intentions. The first clue should have been the lack of Kurt Wagner on a ship-based team.
•Horde HC GN (Bennett/ Leiz): It’s like Grandma always said: You can never have too much lavender in the garden, strong back in the fields, liquor in your cabinet, or monsters in the attic hungry to do your bidding.
•Beyond the Demon, The Sea One-Shot (Goldsmith/ Broyles): Would this be the shark version of an all-you-can-eat buffet? The ship’s the actual buffet, everyone leaves their skulls at a marked rock before going back for another serving, and the chains are provided free if they get something stuck in their teeth. Ten bucks says there’s a pod of dolphins managing the whole operation, their years of gaining the humans’ trust finally paying off.
•Alison & Her Rock Awesome Robot GN (Fred Chao): Monkeys and penguins coexisting along with humans and robots is either a world healed or destroyed by climate change, but shucks don’t they look like they’re having a fun day? This could be the last habitable zone on Earth, this could be one of millions of gorgeous vistas across the planet – thanks to the limits of shapshot covers, we may never know for sure! (CC Note: You could just open the book.) A mystery for future generations to solve…
I’m going to check on the toaster oven I loaded with Snickers to see if my hot chocolate’s done. See you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues