Happy Hallowednesday! For clicking onto this site, I’m giving everyone this post. You can figure out for yourselves whether it’s a treat or trick.
•Wolvenheart 1 (London/ Giraldo): So you like edgelords, huh? Really, because this here’s an edgelord that out edgelords all other edgelords! The original edgelord died of shock on seeing this edgelord, and on his deathbed confessed that he only came up with edgelording was so that this perfect edgelord could edgelord. We live in a post-edgelord-singularity world now, where edgelords will invent and develop the means to add edgelords to their own edgelordness – an Edgelorducken, if you will. (CC Note: We won’t.)
•Lily the Thief GN (Janne Kukkonen): “Stop that thief! She’s stolen the king’s heart!”
“AAWWWwwwwwwww, that’s adorable! She’s adorable!”
“No, I meant his literal heart! Bring her in alive – no one’s sure how she got the thing without cutting into him, and we’re just hoping she knows how to put it back!”
•Roku 1 of 4 (Bunn/ Bachs): Some people will go to extreme lengths to hide their embarrassment, like run to the bathroom to apply make-up, or rant about something no one cares about. I hadn’t heard of someone getting rid of blushing by bleeding their face out, but you know what? There’s a LOT I haven’t heard of, like that one thing that you’ve heard of. News to me!
•Excalibur 1 (Howard/ To): Let’s go over this just one more time, for the people that must not’ve picked up on the obvious: if your teammate’s a genocidal strength supremacist built like a brick warehouse, you should reconsider what your goals are.
•Wonder Woman Annual 3 (Orlando/ Marion & Florea): “Where’s my camouflaged suit of body armor, Trevor?”
“Well, look at you there in layers of protective fabric dyed in colors designed to let you blend into any shadowy area. Meanwhile, I’m wearing something that might as well be spray paint for all protection it offers, not to mention I stick out like an iPad in the Library of Alexandria!”
“Fine, we’ll trade. You get the heat-retaining overcoat while we sneak through the jungle, I’ll wear the swimsuit with the impervious arm bracers.”
“You have no idea how much I miss this banter in the Justice League.”
•Pink Lemonade 1 (Nick Cagnetti): And the winner of the most surreal, uncanny-valley-in-a-bad-way biker helmet goes too…
•DC Ghosts Giant 1 (Various): I’m all for the narrative need to see the hero struggle from time to time, but can’t the Spectre bench-press Hell or something? Way more likely this is a live concert for the dead and the Spectre’s the spirit equivalent of Elvis, unable to beat his fans away without a heavenly host of bodyguards.
•Last God 1 (Johnson/ Federici, White, Blando): “Come and fight, you mountain-sized nightmare of a mountain! Fight and learn the full might of a hero, and when you find yourself in whatever afterlife will take you, be sure to mention that your killer wore a fabulous belt!”
“…Are we killing each other or what?”
“Sorry, new headgear. Even with six eyes channeling my infinite dark power, it’s impossible to see in this thing. Keep up the taunting, I’ll find you eventually.”
•Snow White Zombie Apocalypse One-Shot (Lengel/ Park): Look as deep into the snow/ lake/ mirror/ alien power source as you want, young lady, but you’ll never find a plausible alibi for how all those skeletons got there.
•Dark Crystal Age of Resistance 2 (Andelfinger/ Balsa): Ride-sharing is NOT a new concept, not unless you consider drinking milk a new trick humans came up with. Every civilization’s played with the idea, it’s just that the internet and engines happened to make the whole concept a lot more convenient and a lot less like improvised kidnapping.
•Monster Planet 1 of 5 (Brusha/ Vitorino): “MWA HAH HAH HA! At last! After ages of exile and slumber, we’ve made it back to the mortal world! Now, my fellow horrors, let us spread ruin and decay over… over… where the hell are we?”
“Did someone beat us here? Don’t tell me Satan beat us here, we will never hear the end of it.”
“My cult!! My beautiful, loyal cult, they’re gone! I was going to hold a blood party for them when I re-manifested. There were to be cakes and fires and sacrifices. This is so depressing I don’t even WANT to watch mortals suffering anymore!”
•Doctor Strange Annual 1 (Howard & Pichetshote/ MacDonald/ Sharma): When you’re an eldritch horror looking to party and drink too much of that hard ichor someone brewed in their underwater garage, it’ll feel like a great idea going down, it’s destined to come up the next morning and bring a master of the mystic arts along with it. It’s for this and other reasons that R’lyeh is officially registered as a dry city.
•Aquaman Giant 1 (Various): That octopus may look all chill now, but you know as soon as one of them disturbs it in any way, it’ll open them up like a jar of fish.
•Basketful of Heads 1 of 6 (Hill/ Leomacs): “Hello and welcome to our town! I’m with the Neighborhood Association, just thought I’d pop by and give you this fruit basket. Well, our son ate all the fruit, and the store was out of baked goods, and it’s not the season for flowers, all we had left was the disembodied heads of our cursed dead. Oh but please don’t worry, they can’t attack you in the middle of the night or anything like that, and before you know, it you’ll have forgotten about their eyes following you at all times.”
And now comes the part when I turn off the porch lights and eat candy until I’m violently sick. See you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues