Remember when you were a kid, and the four seasons going out of order was so ridiculous you could laugh? Your parents laughed, your teacher laughed, Nature laughed, but unlike your parents and teachers, Nature’s laugh came from a place of sick malice, a requiem for humanity sung by the wind, sea, and earth.
Yes of course I’m being over-dramatic about the weather changing, and how dare you pretend you don’t love it! No matter you feelings on the matter, this’s the best time to stay in the house, wrap yourself in anything that might be used as a blanket, and get some reading done. You could always add these to your pile!
•The Batman’s Grave 2 of 12 (Ellis/ Nowland): Is this the big reveal to why Batman’s survived so much that would kill any normal person? Not his decades of physical and mental training, not his incidental contact with mystical and alien artifacts. Not the raw drive to avenge his lost family, and to protect his current one. It all comes down “You should be dead, buuuuuut someone’s already buried here, and the paperwork would be a mess.” No wonder no one dies in comics, the Grim Reaper’s so lazy he considers three-toed sloths Type-A busybodies.
•Folklords 1 of 5 (Kindt/ Smith): It’s not easy being an executive assistant in a fantasy world. For one thing, everyone assumes that “executive” means something else entirely, and by the time you convince them that it doesn’t involve bloodletting, they’ve lost interest. The experience will look great on his resume, but no one’s heard of “resumes” either.
•Black Cat Annual 1 (MacKay/ Vazquez, Bustos, Gedeon): Such a shame, Black Cat schemed for so long to put all this together, but forgot one of the most fundamental pieces – someone qualified to sign the marriage license as a witness. Now I’m not a lawyer, but I want to say convicted felons are ineligible as witnesses, even if they’ve been found wrongfully accused or served their time, forget about escaped supercriminals with bounties as big as their egos. Shoulda stole yourself a notary, Kitty.
•Justice League Odyssey 15 (Abnett/ Conrad): Now I’m no mythology expert, but I’ve read about a pantheon or three. Out of all the holy realms and planes of ascension there are, it’s very rare to find anything like a bouncer. Usually it’s all, “Climb the impossible mountain” or “Find the galaxy in a blade of grass.” You’d think more religions would just simplify the whole thing having one god just standing in front of the place telling everyone they’re not on the list, and body-slamming anyone with too much ‘tude into the afterlife. Bribing such a god would take way more than a couple of pennies.
•Black Stars Above 1 (Nadler/ Cha): “All I wanted for my birthday was yarn and a nice time with my friends and family. Where did that boy get a prolapsed sky anus, anyway?”
•RV9 1 (Goldsmith/ Mercer): I don’t care if she’s got a license to carry and the club owner’s a chairperson on the NRA, if I see someone at a rave with a firearm, I find myself another rave. Maybe that rave won’t have anyone that can pull off the swimwear-as-clubwear outfit as well as this one, but that’s a chance I’d rather take over someone misunderstanding me when I try to order shots.
•Family Tree 1 (Lemire/ Hester & Gatspur): When Suzie bet she could stand on her head so long her hair would grow into the ground, no one was more surprised that she could actually do it than Suzie herself. She desperately wants to stop, but with shampoo companies in a legal and bidding war over her sponsorship, it may just be a few more years.
•Dollhouse Family 1 of 6 (Carey & Hill/ Gross, Locke, McDaid): Get your child the new hot gift item of the year: a reverse haunted house! Comes with a cast of characters including teenagers on a road trip, a family with internal tension hired to keep the place clean, a handyman that knows things he shouldn’t, and a dark history! Who’s haunting this place and pushing its occupants past the brink of sanity? Why, it’s YOU! The price of this blasphemous miracle’s just six payments of $66, but teaching your child how to manage and manipulate fear? That’s priceless!
•Uncle Scrooge 50 (Various): “Ach, booys, look! A treasure like noothing aye’v ever seen!”
“Is it mindful communication?”
“Is it a healthy expression of emotions?”
“Is it the lessons we learned along the way?”
“A’course NOT! Aye didn’t know ye’could even distill the broken dreams of poor people, but now aye moost have them!”
•Fallen Angels 1 (Hill/ Kudranski): Only three of them had made it to the rendezvous point – the plan was for at least five, but honest probability put the odds against even one of them surviving this far. Better still, the three stood strong, each with their own modes of attack charged and ready to go. The army they had simply nodded at each other and moved forward, determined to snatch victory from the overcharged meat grinder of defeat. Money alone wouldn’t get what they were after, but if the party’s strong and clever enough, the rest of the price for SDCC tickets didn’t need to come out of their own hides.
•Batman and the Outsiders 7 (Hill/ Soy): “Together, we are powerful enough to turn this world into a utopia. Man balanced with nature, living balanced with dead, resources distributed to those that need them first before hoarding them. It will be dangerous, perilous, but ultimately glorious!”
“How about a little personal space, Ra’s?”
“Oh yes, we’ll definitely be getting rid of that.”
•Doctor Mirage 4 of 5 (Visaggio/ Robles): There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your work. If you want to show off a little and share that excitement, you should find someone that can appreciate it. If you’re a metalworker surprised at how well you polished a ceremonial knife, common sense should tell you not to walk down dark alleys and share your joy with terrified strangers.
•Far Sector 1 of 12 (Jemisin/ Campbell): “My jurisdiction is a planet full of friendly pacifists, voted The Most Boring Sector so many times no one bothers to invade, and no one knows how to make a donut. Maybe Mom was right – instead of being a space cop, I could at least TRY becoming one with the cosmos and transcend… stuff?”
Keep cozy, and see you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues