Wanna get away? We’ve got world after world of new and exciting calamities that you can visit for the price of a cup of coffee, which maybe you also want just to take the chill off. One trip to Comic Carnival can lead to hours of laughing off other people’s bizarre disasters, for instance…
•Heart Attack 1 (Kittelsen/ Garland & Zawadzki): The couple that manifests explosive balls of energy together stays together until they get a moment when they’re not actively being attacked or imprisoned. At that moment, each of them takes some “me” time. That’s called healthy relationship behavior.
•2099 Alpha 1 (Spencer/ Bogdanovich): What’s in Doom’s hand that has every superhero of 2099-verse launching away from it? What’s troubled the heroes to the point that everyone with a long-distance attack is long-distance attacking? The answer to both is a classic Latervian dish made with oatmeal, fish juice, and garlic.
•Olympia 1 of 5 (Curt & Tony Pires/ Diotto & Cunniffe): Show me a person that can look at this character’s eyes – not the beast-emboldened royal crotch – and I’ll show you a liar. Someone dared ask what happened to the previous spread Eagle crest, and he’s been sitting that way ever since.
•Dissident X TP (Arnold & Jacob Pander): “What do we want?”
“A free press that’s rooted in facts and data!”
“When do we want it?”
•Annihilation Scourge Alpha 1 (Rosenberg/ Ramirez): Tired of plot arcs so convoluted that you’re not sure who’s doing what for why and for which side? Behold your salvation: monsters want to eat you, these folks wanna stop that. Finally, a confrontation that doesn’t require three volumes of previous reading to understand its significance! And if that’s too simple for you, just look at Beta Ray Bill on the left and ask which side he’s really on.
•Machine Girl 1 (Matts/ Monjes): I feel like we all bear a little responsibility for the mainstream acceptance of tentacle hijinks in our media. Even the ones that wretch at the sight of it could’ve yakked onto the right person’s shoes and stopped this before it truly started, but no, instead we get anime ladies and techno-octopi “posing” together – we did this to ourselves.
•Deadpool 1 (Thompson/ Bachalo): The average person might be terrified at the idea of Deadpool holding supreme political power, and they’d be right to fear. The biologists may take months debating whether that creature he’s mounted on is a plant, or an animal, but the historians’ll just kick back in their seats assured that we’ve had far simpler monarchs that did so much worse than the Merc’ with a Mouth ever could.
•GLOW vs. the Babyface 1 (Garcia & Mendez/ Templer): Fighting rings have to cover so many things with insurance. Performer injuries, lighting, concessions, audience injuries, the swearing of vengeance in front of impressionable children, staff injuries, parking, chairs and the injuries caused by them, you get the point. So of course, the one time they try saving a little money is the time when a performer’s gimmick is setting their shoes on fire.
•Heartbeat 1 of 5 (Maria Llovet): “I want to thank you all for staying with me and supporting my transition into living my best undead life. I’m so fortunate to have you all as my friends, for helping me to focus my new appetites on our jerkier friends that wouldn’t return calls or insisted on splitting the check after eating the most expensive stuff on the menu. Whoops, my wound opened up again – I’ll clean it up, just leave it.”
•Marauders 2 (Duggan/ Lolli): “My ship full of mutants and dragons takes your prop bomb, Sebastian.”
“I suppose I should thank you for taking that piece of bait, but I’m simply too engrossed in this three-century old scotch we liberated from that museum expedition. I say, Emma, do you wonder if we’re becoming elitist?”
“We’re playing a game of our own design on top of a map worth billions of dollars, dressed in finery that was tailored via laser-targeting, literally using the lives of the poorer as tokens. Start owning your elitism or you can’t come to my next endangered species banquet.”
•Strikeforce 3 (Howard/ Peralta): “I’ve sought knowledge and wisdom from wizards and scientists alike, on Earth and other planets, even in Hell itself. I designed my armor down to the atom to maximize defense, offensive, and longevity. I’ve been batting away armies with a wave of my hand since before any of you came to prominence, but sure, try to defeat Doom with your metal sticks. Perhaps I shall laugh so hard as to pull a muscle.”
See you next week (Thanksgiving conditions permitting)!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues