Remember remember the Fifth of November… because it was yesterday. Some of you may’ve slept since then, but something must’ve happened the day before no matter how incidental that pops out in your head, even if it’s just that perfect tear off the toilet paper roll. Anyway, today’s going to be full of things that stand out. Me and comics’ve made sure of that!
•Alter Ego 161 (Various): “I am Galactus. I witnessed the Big Bang. I serve cosmic balance by consuming planets full to bursting with life. My heralds tour the cosmos searching for these planets and other forms of imbalance, correcting them in my name. The span of a human lifetime is but a moment to me. Click Here to see my full dating profile – full members can get a compatibility test!”
•Care Bears Unlock the Magic 3 (Erman & Shammas/ Garbowska): And lo, on the darkest days of the Care Bears there came a beast in bear form: angst-riddled and unappreciated, but no less a force than any around him. He of the black pleather and metal studs would bring about a reckoning throughout the Forest – a movement to care so much for one thing by showing apathy toward all else. Behold this bear, this Emo Bear!
•The Magicians 1 of 5 (Sturges/ Bak): “No.. not that either. Let’s try- oh that’s much worse. My nephew’s birthday party’s tomorrow and it simply won’t be the spectacular event it needs to be without real-life lens flare. A thousand curses upon you, J.J. Abrams, for raising his hopes up!”
•Wretches 1 (Roche/ Farias): “Alas, poor Yorick! I-”
“It wasn’t funny the first 30 times, and it’s still not funny! Now hurry, find that head!”
“Fine. It had brown hair, right?”
“Maybe, but that’s not important. When you find one with my nose ring spat into its eye, we can get out of here.”
•Daredevil 13 (Zdarsky/ Checchetto): No one fails the Kingpin, especially cubic meters of jello that made big promises but never filled them.
•Fantastic Four 16 (Slott/ Izaakse): “I get it, you all want yer time in the spotlight being adored for the monster you are, but this ain’t the way to do it! You don’t get to take my place by knocking me out! I mean, that is what you’re doing, right? I’ll be honest, I can barely tell between gentle and violent. Suze took me to a demolition site for a massage, Doom shot me in the back with a black hole, and to this day I can’t remember them feeling any different.”
•b.b. free 1 (Rivera/ Dunlap): This is Modern Era Courage – a city girl with a backpack of dreams and 5 GB of musical inspiration heading into the swamp, a desolate and barren wasteland without wi-fi or charging stations.
•Crone 1 (Culver/ Greenwood): “What’s that, dearie? You want to sell me on a switch of TV and phone providers? Well, far be it for me to turn away someone so concerned with my well-being. Why don’t you send someone over Wednesday to talk me through it? I’ve invited some other young people excited to tell me how to live my twilight years, and it’d be so convenient for me to deal with you all at once.”
•KISS Zombies 1 (Sacks/ Buchemi): Isn’t this redundant? I mean between the Demon and the Were-Kitty, the band’s always been half death-adjacent. Hell, the Grim Reaper’s been on so many rock album covers he might as well be the official mascot. “And we want to thank everyone working in the gift shops, they work for Death itself, give them some love!”
•Niobe She is Death 1 (Jones & Stenberg/ Mitchell): “Four heads down, just another thousand to go. As I swore upon my nameday, Vlad Tepesh, I shall break your record and claim the title of impaler for my own! Though looking back, four really is too young an age to swear blood oaths. Damn liberal parents.”
•Heist or How to Steal a Planet 1 (Tobin/ Susini): This is the moment he knew he’d own that technoplanet one way or another. Sure, it was an engineering marvel unrivaled throughout space, a commercial hub attracting trade from all the known galaxy, but none of that mattered to him. What drove the rising madness in him was something more primal. That planet had a knob on it, but the designers had been thoughtless. The knob only went up to 10, and the need to fix that burned across his mind.
•Green Lantern Blackstars 1 of 3 (Morrison/ Xermanico): “You there, unarmed gathering of assorted alien races! Submit to the law!”
“Which law? There’s hundreds of different recognized codes of laws in the universe, and no one knows what your code’s like!”
“Stop stalling and submit!!”
•Yondu 1 of 5 (Nadler & Thompson/ McCrea): This is a face that should be feared far and wide. The dangerously insane do their own dentistry work, but it takes a rare type of madness – a madness so total it doesn’t seep into the bones, the bones produce it – to smile while they work. When you meet such a face and you haven’t brushed in the past 30 minutes, you run like you’ve never run before and beg the universe to distract him while you try to escape.
•Gen Lock 1 of 7 (Kelly & Lanzing/ Barberi & Wong): The Turing Test will decide when machine intelligence is on par with human intelligence. The bar for comparing human and machine fandom will be when humans and robots cosplay as the same characters and judges cannot tell the difference.
•Old Man Quill 11 of 12 (Sacks, Gil): “Vic, you don’t need to do this!”
“SILENCE! These split ends are an affront to humanity, an insult thrown at the feet of the universe and signed “From Earth”! You represent me in your own pathetic way, Peter Quill, and while you embarrass yourself on the galactic stage, the least you can do is show all the worlds that no bed head or heat damage can stand the might of DOOM…’s electro-shampoo and massage treatment!”
Remember to check back in next week – see you!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues