Variant Coverage – December 11, 2019

Feeling the pressure this month? Let off some steam with cah-micks!

Dying is Easy 1 of 5 (Hill/ Simmonds): “What’s up with muggings these days? It’s the 21st century and people are so poor, most of them can’t afford guns. Knives, brooms, pieces of flooring, this is what you get mugged with these days. I was out with my buddy last night, this guy walks up and shouts ‘Gimme your money!’ The guy really tried selling it, but he was holding a ham bone over his head, that’s not right. The fact that my friend tried gnawing on the bone didn’t do him any favors – his new boyfriend’s vegan and that’s the closest he’s been to meat in a month.”

Superman 18 (Bendis/ Prado & Reis): “People of Earth – the planet I’ve come to think of as home – I have something I must tell you. I….. ate Clark Kent. Yeah, that’s why you’ll never see him and me in the same room. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go… on a date… with Beyonce… who follows me on Twitter. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

Immortal Hulk 28 (Ewing/ Reilly & Bergas): It’s relieving to see kids wearing something besides Guy Fawkes masks, but I don’t see this trend lasting for very long. The Hulk may be a reckless man-turned-disruptor that strikes fear into any organization that sees him, but at the end of the day, V just smiles more.

Red Mother 1 (Haun/ Luckert): “Trade-sies?”

Alien vs Predator Thicker Than Blood 1 (Barlow/ Wheatly): “No matter what happens, I know I’ve got Mikey watching my back. I can tell because he always drools on my head when he’s protective. And when he’s hungry. And when he’s sleeping, or walking, or jumping on may laptop… come to think of it, I remember getting Mikey because I heard xenomorph drool’s a great scalp moisturizer, but now I think of him as family. Where does the time go?”

Breathers 1 (Justin Madson): Don’t talk to me about class warfare, just look at these fine citizens! Mom’s got a nice purse, the little girl has a toy, both have access to breathable air – who can say they don’t have everything they need? No one, end of discussion! Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my afternoon spongebath and massage.”

Lucy Claire Redemption 1 (John Upchurch): “What’re you doing all alone in the forest, little one?”
“Fetch quest. I got six edible mushrooms, ten herbs, now all I need is the gallon of wolf’s blood, you got any lying around?”

Doom 1 (Zdarsky/ Castiello): “Behold, subjects! For Doom – through his studies and mastery of all things – have developed a new color! Bright and regal, my plans are to remake the flag to use this color, export it to countries at the cost of 5% of their GDP, and one day it shall find itself the color of all space-capable craft! Behold: Latveryan!”
“…Should we tell him that’s just blue?”
“Who sa- WHO SAID THAT?!?”

Supergirl 37 (Houser/ Stott): You don’t see many superheroes going to concerts, much less dressing up for their favorite performers. I’d have thought Kara would be more of a Peter Criss, but she’s canonically a Gene Simmons I guess.

Dark Knight Returns The Golden Child 1 (Miller/ Grampá): “I am Batwoman! This is Superwoman! This is Gotham City – the OG dystopian landscape! Oh, you love them so much now that they’re on TV, but we were a place of darkness, indifference, and violence BEFORE all that was cool! This may sound crazy coming from a lady in skin-tight kevlar, but we’re mad as hell about the sexifying of hopeless shells of civilization, and we’re not gonna take it anymore!”

See you next week!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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