They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but did you know that comics can be served cold, room temperature, and even in direct sunlight? They also don’t require a long period of deceit and machinations to prepare, there are fewer bodies to clean up, and there’s no collateral damage that might lead to someone seeking revenge on you. Am I saying comics are better than revenge? Pretty much, yeah, so next time you find yourself ready to declare a blood feud, just pick up some reading material and you’ll feel better.
•Detective Comics 1019 (Tomasi/ Godlewski): The whole “burning the heretic at the stake” deal I get – sometimes the most rational solution to a problem is killing it with fire. But arranging it so that Batman gets charred crotch-first is so petty. Do the mask-wearing cultists think chaining a guy to a wooden post and setting him ablaze is too subtle? Are we so dumb in their eyes that they feel they have to underline it by lighting up his trunk and acorns first? Rude!
•Edgar Allen Poe’s Snifter of Terror Season 2 #4 of 6 (Various): “I wrote ‘Fall of the House of Usher’ specifically because I didn’t want to be the one holding the thing up! It’s so moldy down here, HELP ME!”
•Kidz 1 (Ducoudray/ Joret): If it means children’s grip strength develops fast and strong enough to hold six times their weight off the ground, we must never stop feeding our cattle growth hormones. Hell, cut out the middlemeat and add them to the vaccination rounds – kill two birds with one massive stone that a first-grader can now deadlift.
•Amazing Spider-Man 38 (Spencer/ Coello): Would superheroes/ villains derive any fun or excitement from a casino? These people’s day jobs include putting their lives on the line with terrible odds to achieve victory – in comparison, would collecting and/ or losing chips even register? Tony Stark might play craps, but when you’re rich enough to buy the casino on a whim, isn’t the game just D&D without the narrative angle?
•Wolvenheart 4 (London/ Giraldo): FINALLY!! A comic cover that challenges the reader’s true sensibilities lays before us! Now we can tackle on of the most penetrating questions of our time: How would you describe the flamboyant way this guy’s walking? My first choice would be “canter”, but that’s more about the bulls in the background than his own look. “Trot” or “charge” would work fine, too. “March” or “parade” catch the energy, but not the intent. I’ll be putting together a roundtable of local experts (CC Note: You mean people with nothing better to do?) to get to the bottom of this dilemma.
•Atlantis Attacks 1 of 5 (Pak/ Anindito): “I don’t know what’s crazier – YOU arranging a ‘meet-cute’ for your introduction to Namor, US for actually helping you, or HIM bringing his own backup army just to even things out? It can’t be that hard for the Submariner himself to just score Hamilton tickets?!”
•Forever Maps GN (Lagace/ Hristov): The shadowed flying raptor dove faster still, determined to claim the prize before any other winged hunter. Despite harsh winds, erratic thermal currents, and a path riddled with shinies, her course held true. Those sweet, succulent breadcrumbs were hers – the rest of the world simply didn’t know it yet.
•Metal Men 4 (DiDio/ Davis & Delecki): Their faces say it all. Tin’s just genuinely happy to meet people outside of a battle, to talk and interact with like any other sentient. Then there’s the giant Lead – stereotypically mislabeled as the “dumb one” – fully appreciating the irony of using a “smart”phone to catch a picture of himself, an autonomous, self-aware android with better coverage.
•Archie vs. Predator II 5 of 5 (De Campi/ Hack): Kids these days don’t understand what the world was like before Facebook. Those that do remember rather wouldn’t.
•Runaway Princess GN (Johan Troianowski): Well of course the little girl’s going to book it out of that town at the first opportunity. The older gentleman in the overcompensating blue hat’s leaning out of the only window in the entire kingdom – all those other openings are clearly arrowslits. Who’d want to take a stroll in a place that features three ways to die every twenty feet?
•Cinema Retro 46 (Various): This here’s exactly what I’m talking about! Picture yourself on an afternoon walk, peeking at the various shops and markets, knowing there’s a 50/50 chance there’s a vestal virgin about to sacrifice you. Not exactly the best atmosphere for relaxed retail therapy or focused haggling. Or maybe the shop owners just really hate idle browsing?
(This is actually the cover to #44. Click HERE to see #46’s cover.)
•Excalibur 6 (Howard/ To): “I, En Sabah Nur, the Apocalypse, accept your submission to my rule and to the Flowery Throne.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, King Nur!”
“This subject is so disrespectful, your majesty. Perhaps we should bring out… the ESSENTIAL OILS!”
“Summon the hot rock massuer… of SUFFERING!”
“I’ll grab my relaxation playlist of DESOLATION!”
“Look, this is the throne we’ve got and you mocking me in front of the grovelers doesn’t help anyone!”
Stay warm, avoid nefarious plots, and see you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues