Variant Coverage – January 29, 2020

Let’s wrap this month up, already!

Zinc Alloy Complete Collection GN (Lemke/ Holgate): This kid truly believes that – through robotics – a golden era of unity and prosperity is possible for humanity and the world. And he won’t stop busting through concrete until that happens.

Amazing Spider-Man 347 Facsimile Edition (Michelinie/ Larsen): Symbiotes don’t have tear ducts, so underneath all that alien biomass, Eddie Brock’s crying like puppy at a caniphobia convention. No matter how old you get, every now and then you still want to have your enemy’s corpse and eat it, too.

Star Wars Adventures 30 (Barber & Moreci/ Buisan & Florean): The First Order really needs to push their PR Department out an airlock. They’re never going to establish themselves as the dominant power in the galaxy so long as goth Napolean Dynamite here’s their supreme leader. “Why doesn’t everyone just get that I – with my 19 years of life experience – should have absolute authority over the way every individual should run their lives, lives which I am also allowed to snuff out on a whim? This sucks! ‘Follow me,’ Snoak said. ‘The universe is our birthright,’ he said. Thanks, Boomer!”

Dollar Comics Detective Comics 554 (Moench & Cavaleri/ Moore & Janson): Hey, remember that time DC Comics straight up copied the design of Sue Storm from Fantastic Four, threw some black and white around, and called it a modern update on one of their Golden Age characters? Because I didn’t, but oh me oh my I know it now.

Miles Morales Spider-Man 13 2nd Ptg (Ahmed/ Garron): What a sweet family photo… photobombed like London during the Blitz. “My baby’s born!! We’re going to gather around this new life and appreciate being a family, but you stay over there. Yep, stay right in the corner, in your dumb purple Charlie-Brown tracksuit, and watch. You know what you did. Take some notes, maybe you’ll learn what a real family looks like.”

Frankenstein Undone 1 (Mignola & Allie/ Stenbeck): The Monster (not Frankenstein the doctor) will eventually run into a polar bear sitting on its own tiny ice platform. They’ll fight first, each thinking the other’s a potential food source, but that fight will end in a draw. Respect for each other’s strength marks the beginning of a friendship destined to last an ice-age, enshrining the Monster as a hero for a new era where polar bears are the dominant species on the planet. And since history’s written by the survivors, Doctor F’ll be remembered as the single worst creature of all time, just below villagers with pitchforks.

KISS Zombies 2 (Sacks/ Buschemi): “By conquest do I claim this land and everything in it! Whoever wishes to challenge me for my kingdom, need only climb up here and fight for your life! Anyone! Anyone at all. You don’t even have to want the land, maybe you just want an honorable and epic death, that’d be fine. Ugh, I wish at least a few people survived the cataclysm. This wasteland is so boring!”

Apocalypse Girl 1 of 6 (Les Garner): The cover to a comic book – especially a first issue – invites readers to enter a different reality. That invitation must be clear, concise, and appealing to a wide variety of audiences. Shooting said readers with a double-barrelled shotgun runs directly against that purpose, so knock it off!

Ravencroft 1 of 5 (Tieri/ Unzueta): “So as you can see, this is a fixer-upper. Most people might look at this place and think “condemn it” or “kill it with fire”, but I knew right away you weren’t most people. You can see what this place COULD be. I tell you, a savvy couple could turn this into a paradise for the price of a used car! Now – full disclosure – for the past 50 or so years this place’s been used as a mental hospital, and that ended when an alien god went and possessed the whole thing, so you might want to get a professional cleaning service in just to make sure all the nooks and crannies are squeaky. And maybe a priest, or rabbi, or shaman, witch, monk, whoever will make you feel more comfortable. Heck, send them all through, cover your bases! Did you know there are actual ghost busters? Who am I kidding, this is New York, OF COURSE you know that!”

Action Comics 1019 (Bendis/ Romita Jr.): Oh sure, the Justice League sounds like a great place to work – promote fair treatment by punishing oppressors, hang out with the world’s best and brightest – but when it comes to their benefits package… well, no one enjoys going to the dentist, not even Superman.

Protector 1 (Various): Certain people love leaving terrible reviews to places they’ve never been, or to places that did everything right except the window didn’t look onto the street from the right angle or whatever. Thanks to the internet, they enjoy anonymity and with it freedom from any consequences. To them, leaving fake reviews is a game, but technology shifts directions on a dime and one day, those reviews are going to turn back and bite them in the load-bearing walls.

Cthulhu Gallery PVC Figure: “Yes, Jack. Paint my terrible and resplendent form like one of your French mayflies. Humans! I meant humans.”

Transformers 16 (Ruckley/ Malkova & McGuire-Smith): “Megatron, did you hear that the reason Jetfire’s actually so tall is because he’s been taking Cyber Growth Hormones since he was a mini-con?”
“No! Gearbox, spill that hot energon!”

See you next week/ month!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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