Variant Coverage – February 19, 2020

Happy Discount-Chocolate Week, everybody! It’s a time of sugar rushes and crashes, and if you want to keep vegetables out of it like they’re supposed to be, you can’t just sit on the couch binge-watching. Prevent turning into a vegetable this year with something that can match rushes for rushes and crashes for crashes, without the mind-numbing side-effects: read comics.

Savage Bastards 1 (Galiano/ Angeli): This is one of those psychological test pictures, where the thing that stands out the most says something definitive about you. For instance, a person that notices the geometric shapes in the background’s probably detail-oriented to a fault, while the one that notices the elongated leprechaun hiding behind the lone drifter is obsessed with money, and the one who notices the one guy dumb enough to bring a knife to a gun fight wants to end humanity and must never be spoken to because they’ll convince you they’ve got a point.

Canopus 1 (Dave Chisholm): “Get off the ground, Cpt. Thompson.”
“I’m conducting tests, don’t interrupt.”
“You haven’t even unpacked any of the testing equipment.”
“I’m testing this planet’s nap-compatibility against human physiology, now unless you’re going to pipe rain sounds through the comm system, leave me alone.”

Death to Army of Darkness 1 (Parrott/ Edgar): Is Ash teaming up with his counterparts from alternate universes? And are some of those alts living skulls or puppies? Because Deadpool did this a while back, and Ash is just one broken fourth wall away from being a trademark infringement.

On the Stump 1 (Brown/ Prenzy): I don’t want to go on a political rant, but wouldn’t it be refreshing if national elections could be simplified to a cage match, winner takes the White House? It’d probably be a lot cleaner and more civil if you think about it.

2020 Machine Man 1 (Gage & DeFalco/ MacDonald & Hawthorne): “Hey kids wanna see how cool I am? I got a chainsaw hand and more guns coming off my back than Cable and can stretch my arms and survive drops from hundreds of feet AND recharge your personal electronics wirelessly! You can be my friend! Everyone can be my friend. I’ll MAKE YOU be my friend!”

DCeased Unkillables 1 of 3 (Taylor/ Mostert & Scott): So DC’s solution to the zombie apocalypse is to unleash a team of mass murderers on them? This is far and above the most rational idea they’ve ever printed. And can you imagine the opening weekend revenues for 90 minutes of bright-costumed maniacs eviscerating the undead? Endgame’s record would look like chump change. DC & Warner, you have a license to print money, just put it together already!

Amazing Mary Jane 5 (Williams/ Gomez): “Thank god you saved us from those horrible villains, Mary Jane!”
“No thanks needed, that was fun. In fact, it was REALLY fun.”
“Well, good.”
“Turning disadvantage into advantage, their expressions when they realized they were going to lose, the racing of their pulses as my hands tightened around their necks, everything about that felt so… right.”
“Feeling a little less good now…”
“You, you, and you: try their gear on. I need to feel that again, heh heh. I need to feel it now.”

Elvira Mistress of the Dark 12 (Avallone/ Acosta): A cover designed to titillate the visual cortex with exaggerated curves and a whimsical exhibition streak. Now call me nitpicky if you absolutely have to, but I personally find basic bilateral symmetry attractive. And when I notice that her right leg’s dislocated and pulled down about six inches, I file that under “turn-offs”. Maybe my standards are too high, but there it is.

Wolverine 1 (Percy/ Bogdonovich): So I get that Logan’s in a peaceful mood from the butterfly on his hand and the neutral expression on his face. And he’s at a picnic with his friends, all of whom are taking naps, and they feel secure knowing that uncle Patch’s watching over them. What I don’t get is why we’re seeing all of this through Cyclops’ red-tinted visor. Scott’s not going to be the point-of-contact character, is he? I think I’d rather get narration from a day-old bagel.

Godkillers 1 (Sable/ House): “Soldiers, you’ve got to be the most pitiful excuses for weaponized atheists I’ve ever seen! That last exercise – targeting the household god of a Roman ruin – was a disaster! The only way to salvage any of it was to post the whole thing on YouTube, and the only reason you’re still in the corps is because it went viral for its hilarity! But I’m not training comedians, I’m training the next line of defense against eldritch horrors! Your next target’s a big one, and if you can’t bring this one down, we might as well just open the world to the mindrippers and call it an era, so listen up! Your next assignment is Vishnu, Hindu god of peace and sustainer of life, and for the safety of the planet you WILL bring this SOB down!”

Bang! 1 of 5 (Kindt/ Torres): MI-6 used to have standards. Oh, their training to make a bullet ricochet three times is as good as ever, but once upon a time the bullet ended up in the target instead of the shooter. This poor fool didn’t even have the chance to aggressively seduce the beautiful doctor/ pirate/ multinational CEO before he died. Stupid Brexit!

Doctor Tomorrow 1 of 5 (Arbona/ Towe): “Never fear, citizens, for the enemy’s about to be beaten by I: Doctor Tomor-*”
“Hey look, it’s Fin-Man!”
“Nah, he’s one of them, err, Gatchamans.”
“If not, he’s gonna get sued by them!”
“People, pay attention to the emblem on his chest: clearly, he’s Circle Dude.”
“Hey, so I’ve loaded the components I’ve stolen onto my truck. I’m about to escape only to return with an operational doomsday weapon. I’ll terrorize millions. Unless, you know, someone tries to stop me?”
“No I don’t have my Ph.D. with me, but my name is seriously Doctor Tomorrow!!”

Look, that chocolate won’t eat itself, and no one wants to see it go to waste. Grab another bag, an issue or two for your health, and see you next week!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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