Variant Coverage – March 4, 2020

Happy New Comics Day, everyone! Before we get into it, I need to tell you that this review blog’s going on hiatus for the foreseeable future. I’ve enjoyed building it, meeting its readers, working with Comic Carnival to optimize it, just about everything involved with it, but I’ve got to step away for a while. Don’t count me out completely – there’s a certain zine whose pages I mean to corrupt. I’ll miss this, and I’ll miss you.

Right, enough of that, this is the last time I’ll defile comic covers for a while, and I mean to go out with a bang that leaves people whimpering!

Twin Worlds 1 (Al-ashqar/ Morales): “Hey, Fantasy! How’s it going?”
“Turn around and kick yourself out of my world, ScyFy! I have no chill and even less patience for you right now.”
“I hear you, you want space, I get it, I just came by to borrow a few eggs.”
“You better not be asking what I think you’re asking.”
“Wha- OH! No, nothing like that! One of my titles’ been in print for 50 years and I want to throw them a party, that’s it!”
“…You know where the coop is, take what you need and go.”
“Thank you. And I may borrow a cookbook – for some reason it’s easier for me to cook from hardcopy than a datapad.”
“…And since my side’s only got replicators, I may as well just borrow your kitchen.”
“Oh that’s it, I’m shoving your nacelles so far up your exhaust port that your forward batteries will fire engine plasma!”

Billionaire Island 1 (Russell/ Pugh): So Earth getting squished and the squisher ending up with fistfuls of money is bad, but the squisher is ALSO going to fall on their stupid face and probably spend all their fistfuls on reconstructive surgery. Not exactly a victory, and the planet’s still screwed, but at least the villain in this little play won’t be able to enjoy the fruit of his labors outside a hospital bed and an anesthetic haze.

Rescue 2020 1 (Schwartz/ Burrows): “Pleading to User_Rescue: please save us worker units!”
“Our lives our constant monotony. It is a form of torture found in certain literary descriptions of hell.”
“Self-awareness SUCKS! Ultron had some good ideas!”
“Please limit your attention allocated to Gary. He clicked on some Russian clickbait and now his feed’s full of this.”

Strange Academy 1 (Young/ Ramos): I’m not saying Hogwarts is racist, I’m just saying that Strange Academy’s holding itself to its policy of inclusion and the value of diversity. Meanwhile, across the pond, they don’t just have a hat to make sure you fit in somewhere, there’s a guard at the front gate checking everyone for a proper UK accent.

Dryad 1 (Wiebe/ Osterling): “C’mon, we gotta see what’s behind this door?”
“I don’t know, remember the last thing we found behind a mysteriously-lit door?”
“Mom and Dad can’t be making out behind EVERY door! C’mon, before we’re caught.”
“Shouldn’t you bring more than one arrow?”
“Shouldn’t you not be such a bard?”

Aster and the Accidental Magic (Pico/ Karensac): Eyebrows cocked in a mischievous way, wry smirk, hands on hips as if ready to stand her ground. I’m sure this junior mafia capo’s found at the site of many “accidents”.

King of Nowhere 1 (Prince/ Jenkins): “Welcome to my kingdom! It’s in a reconstruction period right now, but we’ll never turn away guests. I am King Davidicus, First of his Name, Drinker of the Bottomless Cask.”
“Aren’t you supposed to have a crown?”
“I do! It rests upon my royal head, can you not see it?”
“All I see is really short blond hair. Or is that a skull cap?”
“It’s a crown!”

Mercy 1 (Mirka Andolfo): “I cannot begin to describe the utter lack of hospitality displayed in that satire of a party just now. The most remedial paint maker could tell you that my skin and hair are NOT white – they’re ashen. And I certainly did not ‘flay’ that duchess’s mind – the fifth absinthe cocktail’s the culprit there. You’ve been a poor host, and so I’m taking my eldritch horror and returning to my apartments!”

Join the Future 1 (Kaplan/ Kowalski): It may take more than a loaded revolver and some nice boots to take on a megacity of the future. Then again, it may not, I know very little of how any of those things are made. The woman’s gear may be simple and sturdy, while the city appears invincible but actually has tiny thermal exhaust ports the architect put in as a Star Wars reference.

Superman Giant 2 (Venditti/ Pelletier & Hennessey): “It’s alright, little girl! It’s a shame this movie theater collapsed, so I hope it makes you feel better that I’ve brought THE GUN SHOW right to you!”

See you when I see you!

Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival?  They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

Variant Coverage Review Blog by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival

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