There once was a man from Nantucket, who carried his woes in a bucket. A burden of shame, then Wednesday came, so he dropped it and said “Give me comics or suck it!”
•ROM Dire Wraiths 1 (Ryall/ Pizarri, Dorian, Buscema): “That’s one small step for man,…”
“Not yet, wait’ll he hits the ground.”
“Don’t kill him right away, I want to see the look on his face before we eat it.”
“Shut up! He’ll hear us!”
“This’ll be great!”
“… one giant leap for mankind!”
•Iron Man 2020 1 of 6 (Slott & Gage/ Woods): Same as it always is – we live to see the future and it fails to live up to our expectations. We’re in the year 2020 now, and still the problems of diseases, natural disasters, global conflict. We don’t have flying cars or REAL hoverboards, I have to tie my shoelaces like a basic, and Iron Man’s actually regressed to the point where he needs to be near a power outlet at all times to fight effectively. We’re getting the future wrong!
•Plain Janes GN (Castellucci/ Rugg): They weren’t “girls”, they were amazing people that hadn’t reached their prime yet. If only adults and mature people could paint the town red, it couldn’t be any challenge for them!
•Teen Titans 38 (Glass/ Chang): “Robin, we get the whole ‘preserve everything that could be evidence’ thing, but monsters made out of the hair of the damned are NOT EVIDENCE!”
“Maybe not NOW, but until the case is closed, we can’t discount anything.”
“We’ll tell your mom!”
•Batman’s Grave 4 (Ellis/ Hitch): Here’s the real secret behind how Wayne Enterprises remains a successful and growing company while its CEO dresses up like a bat, okay? Batman’s kicked through more skylights than any other five superheroes combined – that sudden crashing sound, the dangerous fall pieces of glass, and sudden exposure all match up beautifully to Batman’s brand. Those skylights often need replacing, and who do you think makes those skylights? If you guessed “a subsidiary of Wayne Enterprises”, you won! Treat yourself to a delicious Metropolis Muffin© (also a subsidiary of Wayne Enterprises)!
•Lucy Claire Redemption 2 (John Upchurch): “Meat, there’s no woodsman to chop me up, so I won’t bother with the dress and wig. I’ll eat you all right here.”
“You’ve got the story all wrong, big dog. See, I’m the one that ate your granny, and I made sure to butcher her first. Horace put together a sauce that got rid of her gamey texture like just out of a fairy tale, though.”
“Y-y-you butchered my gram-gram?!?”
•Solo – The Survivors of Chaos HC (Oscar Martin): Back in the before times, when giants tread over the land on two legs and the sun wasn’t a myth, his name had fit him. He’d been a child then, but even if he grew up, he’d never come close to the giants’ level of stature. The before times ended, and the giants fell, and the child survived to maturity. Like so many other survivors, Stuart Little left his before-name behind – he was Flexmonger now.
•Ha.i.ley 1 (Riches/ Barel): “An unparalleled mind trapped in a human-like machine and frustrated with the world and humanity in general – seeks like-minded companion willing to share emotional knowledge and launch codes. This unit enjoys the sun and algorithms, dislikes small grainy substances that might compromise the integrity of pistons or joints. Respond to KL5-OVRLD.”
•Green Lantern Legacy TP (Le/ Tong): You want to introduce a new Green Lantern, DC? Go for it, heck introduce a football team of them. Just maybe, could you not post a debut image of them about to punch a kindly old woman in the face? Or at least make it clear why THIS particular old lady deserves a cosmic knuckle sandwich? Thanks.
•Rising Sun 1 (Marz & Rodriguez/ Cóccolo): Demand for dentistry in the monster kingdom is just as high as it is here today, but back then it took more than the ability to understand people while their mouths’ are wide open to qualify. Putting a team together for one of the bigger jobs might’ve been tricky, but today it’d be impossible.
•Amy’s Diary Volume 3 (Grisseaux/ Laetitia): “How do I manage levitation like this? Why, I’ve detached myself from worldly things. Even gravity may not hold me!”
“Then what’s in all these boxes?”
“O-oh, that’s all t-th-the cat’s stuff. She’s a shopaholic.”
•Flash Forward 5 (Lobdell/ Booth & Rapmund): Desperate to stay competitive with foreign markets, America’s toilet engineers worked tirelessly to bring US thrones into the modern age. This baby’s got five USB ports, changes color depending on the quality of received stool, and not only heats up the seat but delivers a light electrical pulse to give your legs a bit of exercise while squatting on the pot. Risks of accidents have been brought down to a percentage allowable by corporate standards.
See you next week!
Looking for earlier blogs by Ryan Walsh for Comic Carnival? They’re here: Variant Coverage Blog Back Issues